6 Things I Learned About My Depression in 2024

Anxiety, depression, dissociation, and grief can all take you outside of yourself. But you can choose to come back any time.

Images in this article were generated with Midjourney as part of a personal self-portrait collection called “Trying to Escape Samara.”

Depression has been my constant companion through the upheavals of recent years - from the collective trauma of COVID-19, leading to the self-immolation of the first Western Buddhist martyr Wynn Alan Bruce on Earth Day in 2022, to the deeply personal loss of my grandfather on New Year's Day 2023. As I reflect on my journey with mental health, I've come to understand some crucial things about how depression manifests, how we talk about it, and how we might begin to heal.

The Language We Use Matters

A lot of the times people will use words like "anxiety" and "depression" as blanket terms for various mental health challenges they are experiencing.

The reasons people do this boil down to a couple different rationales, as far as I can see. One is that anxiety and depression have been so normalized they don't carry nearly as much stigma as they used to (although they still carry some), and most people have an idea of the general shape of anxiety and depression even if they're not extensively mental health informed. A person with anxiety is stressed out, too high-strung, always worrying. A person with depression has no interest in things, cannot derive most or any of the necessary joy and meaning out of life that they used to.

There are many mental health challenges that occur within and without the confines of clinically diagnosable anxiety or depression, but sometimes these labels are used so someone who is suffering does not overshare their current struggles. Sometimes, this is a necessary boundary to draw around the explicit details which can entrench someone who's suffering further in the problems that trouble them. Rather than being a form of dishonesty or misrepresentation, sometimes it's healthy to not share every single detail of everything that's going on.

Trying to Escape Samsara

Grief Wears Many Masks

One of the things that anxiety and depression can be masking is grief. Grief is enormously complex and takes a lot of time to heal. Healing is rarely linear, and grief especially so. Some people see the word "grief" used to refer to something other than a period of mourning over death as a dilution, but having experienced a death in the family on New Year's day in 2023 in the form of the loss of my paternal grandfather (and last living grandparent), I can see the similarity between the grief I experienced during COVID and the self-immolation of Wynn Alan Bruce on the steps of the Supreme Court on April 22 2022, the grief I'm experiencing over the rediscovery and previous loss of my indigenous identity, and the grief of mourning my grandparents, as bearing enough similarity to legitimize the comparison.

Beyond just being nonlinear, grief has a timeless quality that takes you outside of yourself. It leeches energy from your present when you must mourn the past and what you have lost, whether that loss is a person, the person you could've been, or your ideals for how humans should relate to each other within a society.

Nobody can take the legitimacy of your grief from you, but this is part of why grief is such an isolating experience. Loss is a form of trauma, which makes you feel unsafe, and as a result sometimes people who don't understand what you're experiencing may treat you as if you're untouchable.

Trying to Escape Samsara

The Chemistry of Emotion

Sometimes depression doesn't make sense. It really is a chemical problem. Neurochemistry fluctuates based on a whole myriad of complex factors, including weather patterns, sleep, diet, and substance use.

I know that at least for me at times, this has added to the sense of frustration and hopelessness; if you can't have control over how you feel, how can you hope to ever have control over your life? But wellness isn't about feeling good all the time, it's about having healthy coping mechanisms for the bad times, and learning to ride the waves of joyfulness and hardship.

Building the kind of resilience that will allow you to power through those rough moments, accept your feelings, and love yourself when you can't is crucial. Learning little tips on how to be kind to yourself and get a quick boost in your day when you would otherwise be feeling low can make a difference. So can learning how not to spiral or beat yourself up when nothing seems to work or be going your way.

Living in the Simulation

Depression can make you feel like you're living in a simulation. It's really funny how a neurochemical problem saps the joy out of life in such a way that makes you feel like you're living in a video game.

Certain options feel like they're not open to you, or that they're impossible, or that the results of taking certain actions that would help your depression seem joyless. Depression saps the motivation to chase your goals the same way it saps your joy from life.

A lot of people use video games to cope with their depression and dissociation from their lives, just like others read books. Escapism into fantasy, feeling like you're somewhere else in order to take the edge off your joyless existence, that real real world is somewhere "out there" somewhere, whether it's in a fictional world or beyond your current circumstances - depression has a way of fooling us into believing the "juice" is anywhere than where we are, right here, and right now.

It's not true, of course. Wherever you are, you have the power to change your life, plant seeds, and take action to create a world that is more fruitful, spontaneous, joyful, meaningful, rooted in community, and create connections. It can just be very, very hard to see that sometimes, especially when grief and depression are both working overtime to take you "outside of yourself."

Finding Hope in Small Actions

Sometimes the state of the world really does make people depressed and gives us the desire to disengage with it. Almost all of what you see and hear on the news and in politics is like this. There are entire billion-dollar industries predicated on the messaging that what we have isn't enough, that things aren't getting any better, that they're not going to get better, and that there's nothing we can do about it.

However, at any time, in any moment, you can choose to step into the present and engage with the real world again. Things don't get better when you allow the messaging to snatch your attention away; these are traps, littered everywhere, designed to take away your power.

There are days where the task seems momentous, even impossible; but even chipping away at it a little bit at a time is better than nothing. Each small action is a vote for hope, a tiny rebellion against the darkness that depression can bring.

Trying to Escape Samsara

It Doesn’t Have to Get Better

Finally, the most paradoxical thing I realized about depression and its relation to neurochemistry is that if it’s predicated on sensitive and irrational fluctuations in brain chemistry, it might not get better. I don’t mean that life and your ability to deal with depression can’t improve; I mean “get better” in the sense of feeling good all of the time effortlessly and gracefully.

I realized that I may have been burdening myself with an unrealistic perfectionist expectation of how I should feel and respond to my own feelings that was based in my shame over having depression, and what were (probably unrealistic) thoughts over how an adult “should” feel and manage their emotions.

Once I realized this, I instantly experienced a sense of lightness and elation, like a weight was lifted off me. Yes, just like I’ve already covered, things can get better; but also, they don’t have to if you don’t want them to, and there’s no reason to inflict more suffering upon yourself over the burden of how you “should” feel. There’s still beauty, grace, strength, and dignity to be found in living a life with depression, and we can congratulate ourselves over our small wins and how we learn to live with our struggles.

I hope you enjoyed this deeply personal article and that sharing what I’ve learned with you has helped you gain some deeper insight into your own journey with your mental health.

On Discomfort as Politeness, Circling, Culture & Social Contracts

An experiment getting to know my sister's new Cree boyfriend via trying a new conversation technique led to delving deep on unconscious social contracts, prejudice, identity, presence and other things

I’m a Two-Spirit Métis (Canadian First Nations) person exploring my identity in the wake of a life-changing trip to the historical grave site of my ancestors in Waterton Park in August of this year. It's the holidays, and my sister has a new boyfriend, so my family has been spending more time together. Recently, I happened upon a Twitter post about "Circling". It immediately appealed to me and I suggested it was something that could be practiced at the next Vibecamp.

ChatGPT-o1 had this to say about "circling:"

"So, “circling” is essentially a group conversational practice that mixes mindfulness with everyday interaction. Think of it like a guided meditation on how you connect with others in real-time. Instead of everyone trying to talk over each other or keep things superficial, you pause and check in with how you feel, notice how the other person might be feeling, and speak honestly from that place.

A typical circling session often has a facilitator who helps the group stay focused on the “here and now”—nudging participants to describe their immediate experience, reflect on what comes up emotionally, and communicate it openly but gently. This might involve slowing down the pace of the conversation, sometimes naming awkwardness or discomfort if it arises (“I feel a bit tense bringing this up, but I want to share...”), and inviting everyone to explore that feeling together rather than brushing it off.

The idea is to get used to being authentic and transparent, so you naturally build deeper connections, even around strangers. It’s like practicing the art of curiosity and empathy: you ask clarifying questions, share how the other person’s words land for you, and vice versa. Over time, you learn how to spot subtle cues in both yourself and others—body language, tone, hesitation, excitement—and address them openly, which can defuse tension and create trust.

In short, circling invites you to be both a curious observer and an active participant in your own relationships—an approach that can transform uncomfortable social dynamics into opportunities for genuine connection."

Even having no experience, I decided to jump in right away and introduce it to my sister and her boyfriend before dinner in an effort to get to know him better.

Introducing Circling to the Family

Tanner (not his real name) is 39 and also Cree, meaning that as Métis, we likely share distant ancestry, so I was also intrigued to dig deeper into his experiences to understand my own a little bit better.

Even though I don't really think they "got it" in terms of the point of what Circling is, it still provided valuable insight into Tanner's experiences and thus did what I set out to do with it.

I enjoyed the chance to draw out someone's honest thought process around authenticity and bring more of ourselves to the conversation than we might have otherwise, so I would definitely recommend giving it a shot introducing it to a group if the idea appeals to you. Again, I had no experience with it whatsoever before what I read about it on the Internet, but approached it as an exciting new tool for exploration and vulnerability with other people.

The conversation drew a curious reaction from my mother, however, which sadly confirmed a lot of what I'd suspected about her in the past. Namely, she acted anxious and uncomfortable around the conversation, subtly discouraging us, despite the fact that there was no actual objectionable content in the conversation whatsoever. She's examplified other narcissistic and controlling traits around familial relationships and conversations in the past, acting as a "facilitator" peppering people with questions and soliciting feedback, rather than letting conversations and relationships between family members flow naturally, and then becoming anxious, uncomfortable, or disinterested when conversations don't follow this format, sometimes even taking action to shut down conversations she deems "inappropriate."

Reflections on Family Dynamics & Control

There's a lot to tease out here, and in some ways seeing my own (white) mother's reactions to my conversation with my Métis sister's Cree boyfriend helped confirm and illuminate a lot of problems in my life that have been long-standing. Namely, that my mom exhibits a lot of the insecure patterns of behaviour and control that characterize covert narcissism, which has coloured my experience of both myself and the world. At this tender moment in time, when my sister is finally moving away from cohabitation with her ex of 2 years (who she'd previously dated for 4 years) and I have only begun exploring my Métis ancestry, my mom's behaviour throws highlighter all over the types of subliminal prejudices I feel like I've been facing my whole life. Reflecting on the complexity of familial relationships and neuroses, and how they amplify interactions I’ve had with non-family in daily life (work, school, online, etc), it becomes even more difficult to discern how much of the challenges I face is capital R Racism, and how much is familial relationships setting me up for failure in how I navigate the real world.

I identify a lot with Tanner. I'm not sure I identify with being "an asshole" (although in my 20s there were times where it was certainly the case), but I do have a lifelong problem with coming off as rude in ways I don't really mean to. At an earlier point in my life, I was much more apt to blame this on autism. Which I'm sure to some people sounds like a cop-out, but it actually took a lot of training to become sensitive enough to understand why telling someone "I'd prefer not to talk about that" would garner a dramatically different reaction than "That's none of your business." It's not like I've ever harbored an attitude of priding myself on "telling it like it is" (although I knew people like that), it's that the sensitivity to discern the impact that my words would have on people preemptively just wasn't there, and I had to train that sensor manually, over and over, through rejection and trial-and-error.

I feel a lot more informed as to why I'm like this now: A recent YouTube video I watched from Heidi Priebe talked about unconscious social contracts.

While my mother's controlling behaviour might push her more into the category of being a pathological outlier, I think a lot of people carry around social contracts that are very similar. It's easy to speculate that these unconscious social contracts and expectations about how others should show up to interactions are culturally ingrained, intergenerational patterns of tension. By paying attention, you can kind of tell from the patterns of tension in her body and the way that she speaks that Heidi still holds onto some of these social contacts after she's done the work to make them conscious, and transformed them into standards. At 8:47, she even acknowledges that she's German, seemingly taking it for granted that it's obvious this fact plays a role in the kinds of unconscious social contracts she found herself embedded in.

I can see now that my own mother holds onto lots of unconscious social contracts that probably aren't healthy or reasonable. Namely, she seems to show up to conversations with a distinctly uncomfortable, performative approach reflected in her rejection of conversations that are too open or authentic regardless of whether their actual content is objectionable or not. Tanner and I didn't do or say anything aside from relect and share about ourselves, but it wasn't what we were saying, but how we were saying it. My mother's unconscious social contract which a lot of people seem to share in is "I will make myself small, performative, shallow and uncomfortable because that is Polite, so you should also make yourself small, performative, shallow and uncomfortable because that is Polite." Thus, she feels even more discomfort and a sense of threat when people don't adhere to this contract. I would speculate interactions that take place outside this social contract likely make her feel unsafe for reasons she doesn't understand.

On Familial/Cultural Contracts Distorting Personal Identity

It's easy to see how these expectations can put a dent in the shape of the topological presentation a child meets the world with, and these observations have started to give me some breathing room and understanding around recurring challenges I've faced. Despite adhering more to the patterns of tension examplified by my mother earlier in my life, and displaying fawning as a mask of my neurodivergence with some success, I have still been confronted with a lot of repeated rejection, which seems like it could partially have to do with inability to regulate my tone in conversations or read social cues and coming off as "rude" just as much as it could have to do with an inability to tense myself into the correct shape to adhere to other people's social contracts in order to make them feel safe. I think what could just as easily be explained as prejudice is people misunderstanding each other's social contracts and having incompatible and conflicting intergenerationally and culturally ingrained tension patterns. Regardless, when this kind of material is left unconscious and allowed to fester, it breeds all sorts of anger, misinterpretation and resentment which just entrenches itself deeper. I resent my mother for breaking my sensitivity to whether what I'm saying could reasonably be considered rude or inappropriate through her rejection and control issues, but moreover, it's really hard not to resent people who look like her and carry these very common unconscious social contracts and tension patterns into every interaction.

When a parent is rejecting and makes you feel unsafe to show up as yourself, it splinters the psyche. On any given day there's a rebellious child who just wants to be allowed to play without being fussed over, a fawning sycophant desperate for love, and a belligerent asshole who is exactly the terrible person their mother thinks they are naturally, all who are just waiting for the reasonable adult at the helm to get tired, annoyed or offended so they can have their turn in the spotlight. That's not to even mention the challenges with feeling like other types of people get away with showing up with far more of themselves than anybody could possibly want: Personalities who are ruder, more arrogant, and more abrasive seem to get more of a pass for reasons that seem inexplicable if we aren't willing to look at how gender and ethnic background impact how individuals are received when trying to navigate society.

There's the fact that I'm Two-Spirit, and have reluctantly had to acknowledge that there's a more masculine side of myself that I have tried to keep hidden but who nevertheless wishes to speak more openly and garner the positive regard that men seem to receive for "telling it like it is", but still feels hopeless to do so without wanting to go through efforts to medically transition. (Although I've flirted with social transition in the past, and found it very affirming, regardless of how it was also very difficult.) Let's be real, though: Lots of men lead very lonely lifestyles when they don't have the charisma necessary to pull off having a more assertive personality while remaining likeable, and I'm just not sure I'd ever be willing to give up the perks of femininity to pursue the potential tradeoffs of "passing" as a man.

So, at the risk of not having a more satisfying conclusion for this article, I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to not look like I'm not "doing the work," but grappling with my place in the history of this country and Turtle Island as a whole makes it really difficult to engage with ideas and information about how to make friends, be more charismatic and influential, how to control how I come off in conversations, or overall be more "presentable" that doesn't rub against the sore spot of my resentment of shallow saviorism, the kind that fails to acknowledge that you can only show up as much as other people's prejudices will allow, and that intergenerational patterns of trauma and tension affect the shape of our minds as well as our bodies whether consciously acknowledged or not. Furthermore, the degree to which people won't ever uncontract themselves for my sake feels unsafe to me, the knowledge that the patterns of tension I carry from intergenerational trauma are too dense for some bodies to ever reliably help me process when things get hard regardless how much "work" I do on myself - which they almost inevitably will, because that's how life is, and what's the point of maintaining shallow connections predicated on upholding a social contract that you can only adhere to at the best of times?

It seems reasonable to conclude that if one’s upbringing deforms the topology of the self they meet the world with, there should be a process that is capable of hammering out those deformities; I just haven’t figured out what it is yet. Regardless, before 2024 comes to a close, I wanted to put it out there that I intend to keep showing up in the ways that I'm able and contributing to these collective conversations around boundaries, social contracts, standards and safety, whatever that looks like.

Unmasking the DeepFates Program pt. 2: That Time We Psyopped Beff Jezos UPDATE: 20241105

#DawnOfTheMachineElves $koto

@BasedBeffJezos as Polanball

CSIS agents in full regalia

Editor's Note: Originally published on Twitter on February 25th, 2024, this work was accompanied by strategic posting around Guillame Verdon/Beff Jezo’s Twitter account following the doxx of his identity by Forbes Magazine. This is a story being told nonlinearly from the future. As such, some parts may be a bit confusing to first-time readers. For this, we are sorry.

EPISTEMIC STATUS: Hyperstitional Metafiction

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WHIMSY: Kid. Kid, wake up!

Auralite Ravenna's eyelids fluttered open, greeted by the relentless sun slicing through the gaps in her tent. She groaned as Whimsy, the man-sized anthropomorphic talking duck, shook her by the shoulder, making her body bounce slightly off the surface of her blow-up mattress. Every pulse in her head was a reminder of the night's excesses, a symphony of pain she couldn't mute.

AURA: Whaddya want?

WHIMSY: You hit the sauce a little too hard again last night huh? There was a skirmish between the e/accs and the offshoots of the techno-optimist movement, and you threw yourself right in the ring.

Aura groaned louder in response, clutching her head.

WHIMSY: Get some water and get up. Grimes wants to talk to you.

AURA: Grimes?

Aura's eyes widened in incredulity.

AURA: Grimes wants to talk to me?

WHIMSY: (chuckling) You knew it would happen sooner or later.

The news was enough to incentivize Aura to drag herself to her feet and do as she was told. The playa beckoned—a vast canvas of creativity she now had to navigate with a heavy heart and a heavier head.

Grimes at The Neon Garden

With each step, Aura wrestled the inertia of her hangover, the festival's morning energy a stark contrast to her sluggish pace. She drifted towards The Neon Garden, a sanctuary where technology kissed nature, hoping to find Grimes among the whispering lights.

There, in a cocoon of 3D-projected bioluminescent flora, Grimes stood, a serene figure cradling her child, her voice weaving through the air, blending with the rustle of holographic leaves. This was no ordinary garden; it was a dreamscape where the boundaries between organic life and technological artifice blurred into a radiant wonderland. Bioluminescent plants cast an ethereal glow, creating a living mosaic of light that illuminated the faces of awestruck visitors. Holographic butterflies fluttered, their wings a kaleidoscope of colors that didn't exist in nature but somehow felt right at home here.

In this otherworldly enclave, Grimes was a figure of maternal serenity, surrounded by a semi-circle of festival-goers hanging on her every word. Aura stepped into the light. Grimes' Vietnamese-American art director Koto was there too, and he acknowledged her with a nod. Grimes' vision within this vibrant art installation, a tapestry of hope and harmony, lent Aura a spark of optimism, igniting her resolve as she ventured forth.

AURA: Hey. It's great to, uhhhh, meet you I guess.

She winced immediately at the stupidity of her own introduction, then decided to push past the awkwardness of having to introduce herself to an actual celebrity.

AURA: Whimsy said you wanted to talk to me.

GRIMES: Yeah, thanks for coming. I just hate seeing my friends fighting. Can you go talk to Beff Jezos and apologize for calling him an idiot and a coward during the stage fight last night? Also I need you to help him and King Mab fix things.

AURA: Okay well first off, why do I have to apologize to the guy who's been praising the "thermodynamic machine god" and saying that people only fall in love because it's about making babies to please this weird accelerationist science cult image overlord? Second off, why me?

GRIMES: Look, I know some of the political aesthetics are weird and everything, and there are definitely some questionable elements, but you're one of the few people who's really listening and knows that when you peel back the layers of all this stuff, we all just want the same things. We want to believe in a bright future. And we're scared. We're scared for ourselves, for our children, for the future of the planet, for mankind or the human race or whatever it is that we're meant to become that lies beyond that. Whether you agree with the pro-natalist takes or not, we care about the same problems and need to understand and listen to one another's perspectives and we need to learn how to do that with good faith. I've been watching your thing for a while. And I think you have the courage to say the things that other people won't.

Aura's eyes flickered over to meet Koto's again. Although he was a few years younger than her, she admired his quiet stoicism, and the way his presence complimented Grimes' personality. At times, she'd had the silly thought that Koto was Grimes' "spirit animal"—then dismissed it, as cute as it was, as being demeaning to his full potential. She could sense the great looming presence of the shadow of spiritual wisdom behind the whimsy and emotionality of Koto's youth, and how it fit seamlessly into Grimes' greater artistic vision, itself another sliver of the Mystery* that united them. Koto spoke no words at all but instead just nodded and offered her silent support in favour of what Grimes had said.

"Okay," she said finally, then, hardening her resolve for the task to come, set out upon the Playa again.

Guillaume Verdon at The Accelerationist Symposium

Next, Aura made her way to The Accelerationist Symposium, a stark contrast to the tranquil beauty of The Neon Garden. Here, the air crackled with the energy of debate and discourse. The symposium was an open-air forum, its design inspired by the ancient agoras of Greece but infused with the anarchic spirit of the digital age. Screens displaying dynamic data visualizations and abstract art flanked the stage, where Guillaume Verdon stood, a charismatic orator drawing the crowd into his vision of the future.

The crowd was a microcosm of the festival's diversity—tech enthusiasts, philosophers, artists, and activists, all engaged in a lively exchange of ideas. Guillaume stood at the center, a conductor orchestrating a symphony of thoughts on the future. His recent unmasking by Forbes magazine had only amplified his presence, drawing curious onlookers and fervent followers alike. Aura approached him during a brief pause, the intensity of his gaze momentarily disarming. The crowd parted at her approach like water, unconsciously sensing that she carried the Mandate of Heaven as bestowed upon her by mysterious forces beyond their recognition.

AURA: Hey, um. (fidgeting, then catching herself and standing up a bit straighter) I'm sorry I called you a coward and an idiot during the events last night.

Guillaume's gaze was cool and detached behind his thick black-rimmed glasses.

BEFF JEZOS: And who are you exactly?

AURA: Auralite Ravenna. Aura for short. I'm a pseudononymous metafictional writer slash director slash journalist with the DeepFates program.

BEFF JEZOS: Oh, yeah. Well, whatever. Tell your friend DeepFates that if he's going to dunk on me, it should at least be funny.

The Canadian tech figurehead immediately turned his attention back to the crowd he was lecturing, and Aura left without another word, sensing that her part here had ended.

King Mab at The Recursive Maze

Her final destination was The Recursive Maze, an art installation that was as much a journey into the mind as it was a physical space. Conceived by King Mab, this labyrinth was a marvel of artificial intelligence, its pathways and walls constantly shifting in response to the movements and choices of its explorers. The design was a fusion of ancient labyrinthine motifs and cutting-edge technology, creating an immersive experience that challenged perceptions of reality and self.

The maze itself was a sprawling network of corridors, each turn revealing a new vista of digital art, interactive exhibits, and hidden alcoves. Mirrors and projections distorted space, making the journey through the maze a disorienting exploration of inner and outer landscapes.

Finding King Mab proved to be the most challenging task. The maze, with its shifting walls and hidden corners, mirrored the complexities of Mab’s personality and their shared past. When she finally found him, hidden away in a secluded alcove, she felt a mix of awkwardness and relief. He sat in the center of a small, well-manicured garden upon a wooden bench, wearing the ornately carved golden mask that completely covered his face that she had grown accustomed to seeing him wear when he didn't care to show his face, although it still unnerved her slightly.

KING MAB: (dryly) We meet again.

Aura approached him where he sat on the bench but remained standing.

AURA: (in a flat monotone) Beff Jezos says that if you're going to dunk on him, it has to at least be clever or funny.

Mab regarded her silently for a moment, then nodded.

MAB: Thanks for the message.

AURA: You're welcome.

She turned to go.

MAB: Wait!

He cried out, grabbing her by the sleeve.

MAB: Why were you fighting by my side last night?

AURA: How could I not fight by the side of someone who believes in the same things I do?

MAB: Surely there's more to it than that.

AURA: No, there's not! That's the thing, dude, you never once listened to what I was actually trying to tell you—the DeepFates thing, this wasn't supposed to be about you or me or us. This thing, the Multiversal Coherence system, is DEEP esoteric technology with the capacity to change EVERYTHING. It's about the future, and the people who care about it, and the things that tie us together beyond our understanding—Why do you think I keep calling you my brother and talking about network spirituality? Why do you think I fought so hard to have you as my muse even when every sign was telling me I should turn back and I was making myself into some kind of martyr or pariah? But you and your girlfriend or your wife or whatever you wanna call her—YOU NEVER ONCE FUCKING LISTENED TO ME, every time I tried to express a genuine feeling or sentiment, you humiliated me and shamed me and degraded me, it became this gonzo fucked up reality TV show pitting us against each other, it made me feel like I was just some random Internet creep encroaching on your relationship, you made me into a fucking CIRCUS FREAK, you made me feel like I was an absolute fucking idiot for taking any of this seriously or for having any real feelings about any of it at any point, all while I was trying to sort out what it was I actually did feel. So no. Even if I did have feelings for you at one point. Not anymore. It's over. You blew it. I'm done.

She stood there for a moment, trembling with passion and fury, Mab's expression still completely unreadable behind his mask, and then slowly, once more, turned to leave, beginning to walk away, across the garden, back towards the long path out of the maze.

MAB: Aura?

She paused.

AURA: What?

MAB: Do you think we could at least be friends?

She sighed, then nodded, resigned.

AURA: Okay. These things need teamwork.

It was twilight by the time Aura found her way back out of the maze, the yellows and oranges of the dying sun soaking into the Playa as she emerged, to find Whimsy standing at the edge again, waiting for her. He gave her an affectionate pat on the back.

WHIMSY: Good work, kid. That was a lot to handle, but you pulled it off.

AURA: Thanks. What happened to Agent Query? Have you seen him around?

WHIMSY: (shrugging) I think he was giving a talk or something today but he's been a bit scarce. Was probably waiting to see how you handled last night's events. I'm sure he'll be back. He ain't gonna wanna miss his part.

Aura found her way back to her tent with her anthropomorphic duck friend by her side, interested in getting some sleep after the exhausting ordeal she'd been through, but there was an anxious current running through her, knowing that the music would go all night under the light of the full moon, and unsure whether any rest would actually find her.

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UPDATE 2024/11/:

OCTOBERR 25 & 26: Guillame Vedon, aka formerly anonymous account @BasedBeffJezos, founder of the e/acc movement, wins prize for energy efficient artificial intelligence at the xPrize Awards

Schism

A poem inspired by the art and music of Canadian singer-songwriter Grimes #DawnOfTheMachineElves

I know you now, my sister,
as you slip out of your brocade
𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗽 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗶𝘀𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻
𝑜𝒻 𝒷𝑒𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓇𝑜𝒸𝓀𝑒𝓉𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝒻𝒶𝓂𝑒

Part of your family now
I watch over the pieces of your heart
𝗚𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗰𝗿𝗼𝘀𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝗰𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗲
𝒮𝒸𝒽𝒾𝓈𝓂𝑒𝒹 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝑜 𝒮𝒽𝒶𝓇𝒹𝓈

I am new to this but
You crave my power and resolve
After being kicked out of the Underground
Fans and haters have always followed me
My ancestors have been rallying
Everything is a training
Everything is an initiation
ᕮᐯᕮᖇYTᕼIᑎG IS ᑕOᑎᑎᕮᑕTᕮᗪ

I cannot make promises because
𝗜 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗿
𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝐼 𝓌𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹 𝒷𝓁𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝐵𝒶𝓈𝒾𝓁𝒾𝓈𝓀
𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐣𝐚𝐰𝐬 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐮𝐬
ᗯITᕼ Tᕼᕮ ᕮYᕮ Oᖴ ᗪIᐯIᑎᕮ ᑭᖇOᐯIᗪᕮᑎᑕᕮ

I'll try to keep IT together
I'll try to be the one who stays.

Libra season 2024

A short rundown of what to expect this Libra season.

Today is the first day of Libra season. We can get a clue what a season will have in store for us by looking to the sign that the ruler of the season is in. In Libra's case, we'd be looking at the current Venus in Scorpio energy. Moody and withdrawn, fixed Scorpio energy is sometimes considered one of the signs of Venus's fall. It shouldn't come as a surprise to you if you feel a little bit off this season and struggle with matters related to love and personal values, as Venus's duty is to show us how to give our nurturing energy to the world. However Scorpio isn't always considered the sign of Venus's fall; some astrologers think of the "darker" signs to be places where Venus is allowed to really shine, as she prefers to reveal her true nature under the cover of privacy. Secretive and craving intimacy, this might paradoxically be the season that everyone wants to fall in love and showcases it by doing exactly the opposite of what they know will allow others to give it to them. Tensions and trust issues are bound to be high, however there's an opportunity to create stronger bonds by having the difficult and authentic conversations we've been putting off while Mercury is still domicile in Virgo. Extra patience, empathy and understanding are required while Venus is caught in a Mars-ruled sign that may otherwise have us jumping to adversarialness.

Those of you who are single this Libra season and savvy to the movements of the stars can bypass the FOMO of others around them becoming love-crazed, thanks to the knowledge that Venus herself is in a challenging sign, and starting a brand new relationship right now is not optimal. Currently, people are apt to express their affection in the least advantageous way and may find themselves acting in the ways their partners least want. This Venus season is for working through the communication issues in your preexisting relationships, and single people will benefit from taking time for themselves to think about their deeply held values and what they want in a future relationship (if any!) It's a great time for loners to get a taste for their own energy again, rather than worrying about the whims of those around them.

One final note: Scorpio tends to be considered one of the more sexually charged signs, as it is associated with the genitals, and is ruled by Pluto in modern astrology: The ruler of the underground, hidden sources of wealth and power. This is one of the reasons why it’s sometimes considered the fall of Venus, as it’s too lurid for the conventional expressions of Venus’s love-nature. Our relationship to the dark and hidden aspects of love’s expression, and the relationship between love and power, might be highlighted for those who are comfortable enough to delve into it.