Deprogramming from tpot: Moving on from codependency & Rebuilding self-esteem after exposure to Tech Twitter's high-control dynamics

My roadmap from digital validation-seeking to genuine self-connection (spoiler alert: incremental improvements over magic bullet solutions are where it's at) #DawnOfTheMachineElves

In 2023, I found myself drawn into what seemed like an exciting new world - a tight-knit cluster of personalities known as "tpot" (This Part Of Twitter) within the nerdy online tech space. What started as an opportunity for creative exploration, presenting some truly unique and exciting opportunities, soon revealed itself as a complex web of cult-like dynamics that would challenge my self-concept and emotional stability in ways I wasn't prepared for.

Already struggling with isolation, I became trapped in a cycle of codependency that intensified my compulsive relationship with social media. While these dynamics could prompted deep introspection and creative exploration, it took being excluded from an anticipated event to force me to take a harder look at what was really happening.

I had become ensnared in what I came to recognize as a "shipwreck island" - a social ecosystem where neurodivergent individuals with narcissistic and sycophantic traits become trapped in cycles of mutual exploitation. Like castaways forming desperate alliances, people feed on each other for narcissistic supply, enabling an endless game of social climbing and status-seeking. Everyone seems to be simultaneously using and being used, trapped in patterns of codependency while convinced they're building something meaningful. Despite my successful funding of a viral memetic Alternate Reality Game exploring self-evolution and transhumanism (#DawnOfTheMachineElves), getting too close to the community's high-status leaders left me increasingly isolated and maligned. I had stumbled into a ecosystem where validation was the primary currency, but pursuing it only led to deeper entanglement in toxic dynamics.

Rather than engaging in another round of exhausting finger-pointing and blame-shifting with people who made me question my reality to maintain their comfortable power dynamics, I decided it was time for healthy change. This meant not only giving up substances like alcohol and cannabis that I'd been using as crutches but taking a serious look at where I was getting my sense of identity and validation.

The Toll of Codependency

My codependency manifested in being repeatedly manipulated by people who coveted my intense attention, only to use it against me in reinforcing power dynamics. While initially thrilling, the pattern became clear after several cycles: my insecurities and desire for approval were being weaponized against me in ways typical of high-control groups.

The psychological cost was steep. My self-image deteriorated, emotional dysregulation increased, and loneliness deepened. I craved more validation as I became increasingly isolated within the community. It became clear there was no "getting ahead" within the toxic social climbing of codependent narcissists and wannabe cult leaders. Having been rejected by some as toxic and dangerous for challenging existing power dynamics and being open about my struggles, I realized the situation wouldn't improve by repeating the same patterns.

## Rebuilding Through Self-Connection

Early in the year, I developed a strategy to rebuild healthy self-esteem. I recognized that my codependency was feeding my depression, something I'd explored in my earlier writing. Whether termed "codependency," "limerence," or "energy vampirism," these were variations of the same core issue: maladaptive coping mechanisms for a chemical deficit characterizing neurodivergence.

My solution was a unique approach drawing upon adaptability and neuroplasticity: I would "become limerent for myself." Rather than seeking others to fix or complete me, I created an idealized version of myself and focused my longing and desire on embodying that self. This process of self-reflection accelerated my personal growth in unexpected ways.

I started throwing a lot more of my energy and effort into self-reflection during this process of executing my plan. I found that taking more of an interest in this process began to accelerate it as a period of rapid personal growth.

Journaling became my primary tool, implemented through multiple approaches. I renewed my daily bullet journaling practice, a system designed by and for people with ADHD that leverages the proven cognitive benefits of handwriting versus typing. This practice brought increased mindfulness and intentionality to my days.

## Rebuilding Community and Self-Understanding

Despite my relative isolation and the challenge of making authentic connections around meaningful topics, I began exploring opportunities in my local community. Working within transportation and budget constraints, I took small steps toward building healthier connections. Getting a library card opened new doors - I started taking walks to the library and frequenting local coffee shops to read and "put myself out there" for opportunities to socialize.

My first borrowed book was "Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism" by Amanda Montell, which explored how groups can exhibit cult-like traits without being full-fledged cults. Having physical books again helped me reclaim my attention and revive my earlier reading habits. I was surprised by how quickly I absorbed information about how cult leaders use language to manipulate followers and the rise of "cult-ish" groups in our meaning-starved secular world.

Attention, Agency, and Personal Growth

Through combining journaling, my studies of high-control groups, and conversations with Large Language Models, I began identifying the patterns that had held me back. I discovered that the idea of brute-forcing attention through willpower alone was a myth - particularly in the context of what the tpot community called "agency."

The term "agency" is often used in this space to dismiss behavior seen as weak, passive, or feminine, including emotional distress or fixation on relational patterns. While the concept of agency has valid applications, I began thinking of it as "turning the light around" on my attention - using it to empower myself rather than feed toxic cycles.

Coupling journaling with what I was learning about cults and cult-like high-control groups with talking to Large Language Models, I started to bring more awareness to and identify the patterns that were holding me back. I also use AI a lot for this journaling process. I don't really find the frequent fearmongering around AI that using a large language model to help you explore your thoughts will make you worse at having them to be true. It is true that people who are not rigorous in their thought processes and methods of examination when determining what is true and useful won't see the same benefits of AI as people who are capable of rigorous analysis.

I think it is perhaps true that a tiny percentage of the population that can become successful by the mere application of willpower as a brute force mechanism to force themselves to spend all their time being "productive" who can then become successful in terms of career goals, advancements and making lots of money. I think this small sliver of people may then parrot these ideas about agency as if everyone else should be able to do it. A lot of these individuals have chemical assistance in the form of pharmaceutical grade methamphetamine. I have been repeatedly denied chemical assistance with my ADHD despite qualifying for it and desperately needing it while failing out of nursing classes, due to systematic oppression, which has forced me to devise other means of reclaiming my attention and agency.

Simply writing down my thoughts and feelings after the fog of depression cleared enough to get back into my daily, weekly and monthly bullet journaling habits has allowed me to track my personal growth in a way that has started to actually feel progressive again, rather than just spinning in circles around my own emotional dysregulation and not understanding why I felt so bad all the time. It took hitting a series of rock-bottoms (emotional, romantic, financial) before I could finally uncover the cascade of truths that would lead to my self-transformation: The final threads tugged loose that would unravel the entire knot of early life and family trauma behind why I was so dysregulated and helpless when it came to directing my attention, structuring my time, and just being capable of making myself feel okay. Although I had worked on these problems many years previously, I was shocked to see how intricately they were still all connected, but previously failing to understand their causes as intimately as I do now had always been blocking me from productively setting out on how to solve them.

One of the workshops I took recently was an empowerment workshop put on by a local coach. When I was processing my experiences in tpot, I briefly switched from marketing myself as an artist to a "metamodern spiritual coach." I later realized this wasn't so much because I wanted to be a coach, so much as trying to make challenging art with AI was leading to paradoxical gatekeeping and high-control behaviours from the people around me. I stopped feeling free to express myself as an artist in the space for a long time, and was trying to adopt a different persona I could be more comfortable in, only to find the "discourse" around coaches equally as toxic and gatekeeping. I was basically having a break, but my pivot in my marketing direction only led to further antagonism.

Despite people in tpot having such an apparently low opinion of coaches, I got a lot out of this free workshop, and I suspect it was directly proportionate to what I was willing to bring to it. I maintained an open mind and realized during the introduction exercise, where we were asked to either pick a superpower or say where we'd like to travel, that I was the only person who picked an answer not related to flight or teleportation, which were the most closely related to the topics presented. I realized most people are highly conformist and suggestible, and struggle to put themselves out there or explore creative ideas. It was almost no wonder I faced so much opposition trying to explore creative cutting-edge ideas.

Before taking the empowerment workshop, I had difficulty staying consistent with any sort of gratitude practice, or really even to see what the point of them was. However, when the event organizer talked about "digging deep" and discussed some of the things she'd list for her own gratitude practices, I realized that gratitude doesn't always have to be about being thankful for the things you already have, your opportunities, or nice things that other people do for you. It can also be about having gratitude for *yourself,* and recognizing the efforts you're already putting into becoming the fully actualized, ideal version of yourself. I realized I could combine other practices, like self-affirmations, that felt a little corny, into a daily gratitude practice.

I also realized that a lot of the topics that were discussed as areas that others struggled with were places that I was already doing well. It dawned on me that some of my low self-esteem might be attributable to simply not giving myself enough credit, or recognizing where my strengths already lay. It was thanks to the workshop that I realized that I could rebuild my self-esteem based not on external validation, or my accomplishments that day, but the pattern of courage in pursuing my own growth that I'd already demonstrated.

Getting into this practice was totally transformational for me as someone recovering from codependency. Taking a few moments to be present with myself and recognize my efforts, and admirable traits I already possessed, took the edge off constant validation-seeking that came from waking up feeling like a zero every day.

Conclusion

Although the high control group social media dynamics surrounding tpot and Twitter were often confusing and dysregulating, using tools like journaling and self-reflection with artificial intelligence, I was eventually able to learn and understand the patterns of dopamine-seeking and withdrawal that made me vulnerable to manipulation via validation and were keeping me down. I set out at the beginning of the year to completely restructure my life and reward pathways, and I've already seen enormous success: Making new (IRL) friends, taking on new projects, and massive gains in mindfulness and consistency with how I spend my time.