2nd Trip Report: N, N DMT

A meeting with the Bodhisattva of compassion, Guanyin

I made my second attempt to try N, N DMT today. As I sit writing this trip report, I'm still kinda feeling it a little, and needed to discipline myself a bit even as I was still feeling it not to get off the bed, run downstairs, throw a blanket on myself etc. Last time when the trip was done I seemed to struggle a lot not to be playing with my phone at the end of it. There seems to be a lot of impatience around the end of both of my experiences with this substance, and I became acutely aware in a weird way that writing a trip report was kind of "the point"; bringing back psychedelic insights, fire to mankind.

The Set & Setting

My roommates are away this month so to set the stage for the trip, I went upstairs to the spare bedroom. I was in the middle of cleaning my own bedroom and packing for June's trip to Vibecamp, and wanted to embark in a more energetically neutral space, with less of both the positive and negative associations of the room that I live in. I took my zafu (meditation cushion) upstairs with me to meditate with on the floor for about ten minutes before embarking, then sat up in bed for the actual trip.

I've been in a good mood generally as of the past few days, finalizing my ticket purchases for Vibecamp and anticipating the people I will get to meet in person there has been really euphoric, enough to almost completely lift the fog of depression that I was in surrounding my general lack of direction and discouragement around what direction to take my artistic endeavors in. Today I realized I was in a feedback loop with my depression, where recognizing all the things I wanted to do but didn't/couldn't because of my ADHD and depression were further depressing me, and that that was stupid, and then I started to get angry at my depression which let me finally start getting stuff done.

Something incredibly weird about my experiences with N, N DMT so far is that before I actually bought my vape pen, I didn't think of it as a big deal in terms of substances. From what I've read about it, it sounded like it was a pretty gentle and fun substance to play with, but even before I was faced with the proposition of actually doing it, I realized that I was actually quite irrationally scared of it. And I don't have access to what made my feelings about it change. But on some level it's like I already knew before even taking it, that there's a layer of truth or reality that humans aren't actually supposed to be accessing unless they're very brave. Perhaps it's the quasi-religious or sacred aspect that psyched me out about it, but I still can't point to what exactly changed about my attitude towards it between planning to do it for many years and actually acquiring the pen.

The Trip

This time I had a lot more problems with coughing, because I actually inhaled from the vape pen three times consecutively. I recently made another resolution to quit vaping cannabis because of reasons, so the only thing I'm on that could've possibly synergized with the trip is the l-tyrosine supplement I've been taking for the past few days. I inquired with ChatGPT4o and l-tyrosine should not interact along the same pathways as N,N DMT (which is where the danger lies, be careful to check drug interactions before taking DMT or any psychedelic, you do NOT want to take this on an SSRI).

I kind of managed to do the 3 traditional inhales, but halfway through my 2nd my lungs were saying "absolutely not" and I kinda fucked up really doing the 2nd or 3rd inhale properly due to coughing. I've been kind of trying to bargain with myself with the strength of this pen that I should try for more than the 3 traditional inhales and even consider changing up my strategy from the 10 second inhale-5 second hold-exhale pattern, but by the 3rd inhale I was feeling stuff strongly enough not to make any further attempts, just close my eyes and let whatever I was feeling wash over me. During those 2nd and 3rd inhales is when I felt like I was being pushed to feel my fear and accept my experience of being both curious and irrationally terrified of this substance, for a moment there was a "dark" tone in terms of my normal hearing fading away and becoming aware of my breathing, the dry stickiness in my throat, and some vague existential dread around what I was doing.

I got the same nasty awareness of the dryness/heaviness my throat and airway as the first time but rather than hearing a clock like last time or feeling the spheres of my consciousness separate, I got some very lovely colourful overlapping bouba geometry when I closed my eyes in vivid shades of reds, yellow, orange and green. At the same time, I was intensely aware of the "body load" and felt not only the aforementioned gross, thick, heavy feelings in my throat and airway but that I was *being forced to listen to* the sounds of my own stomach and bowels. It was like my sense of hearing was being turned inwards as I was swallowing and breathing through my mouth, to an awareness of the existence of their dark cavernous interiors, with struck me as dark, grotesque and nasty! It was impressed upon me the significance of the "body load" once again, that people that want to wish away this aspect of the trip are missing something very fundamental about it, that these experiences are intended to teach us about *human* existence as much as they are about pretty colours, high valence, or coming into contact with entities. Being in equanimity with this mixed valence state, of seeing beautiful warping sacred geometry and feeling the loving compassionate presence wash over me while being aware of the unappealing aspects of my body and my physical existence felt like they had a particular emphasis, that this was part of the point of the trip that I was needing to take back with me.

Then the gross, horrifying aspects of my own embodied existence sort of faded away and there was briefly a presence of a feminine entity who was very lovely and reassuring but also had a subtly condescending sort of air as I watched the geometry behind my eyelids, and very briefly there was even an abstract geometrical representation of her head/neck/shoulders. I knew at once that it was Guanyin, she made everything (including the way I was feeling about my body and the geometry) very bright, colourful, lovely, warm, and feminine, and I had the sense that she was very proud of what I was doing for some reason, in that same condescending way. Her presence was pleasant, but in a manner that exaggerated her benevolence and femininity, which could be likened to the sickly-sweetness of standing near a woman wearing too much perfume. I was confused what she was so proud of me for. At first I thought thought it was the need for psychonauts who are even willing to take plant medicine and bring back insights into the nature of consciousness and reality, and then I realized in light of the rest of the trip, that the message that I had gotten during my first trip was being reinforced: To these entities, *being human is the trip.* Being human is a horrifying ordeal to higher entities and it takes a great deal of courage and bravery to agree to be born into a human body. They think that our existence is gross, nasty, horrifying, and full of suffering, and the sort of un-placeable irrational existential terror that I have around taking one of these trips, is the same way that Devas and Bodhisattvas feel about human existence. At the same time, it was brought to my attention the sort of (in this case, feminine-coded) egoic self-aggrandizement in believing you are an incarnation of a Bodhisattva here to help facilitate the awakening of all sentient beings. I feel like she was pointing at something that was seemingly contradictory in terms of this sort of egoic self-congratulatory attitude and the genuine roots of compassionate motivation. Perhaps they seem contradictory because I am a human, but they are not in reality. This is definitely the insight I will have to spend more time processing.

One thing that I struggled with during both trips was keeping my eyes shut long enough to see the geometry take hold, because as soon as I opened my eyes, it would completely vanish. Unfortunately it seems like keeping my eyes shut long enough to actually have the trip and be with the physical experience and intensity of it rather than trying to stay in base reality and flinch away could remain major challenges with exploring the DMT space.

Conclusion

The impact of the events of my trip upon me was both profound and reassuring for a lot of my preexisting beliefs and ideas: My purpose and calling as a Bodhisattva and plant medicine advocate incarnated to liberate sentient beings. At the same time, while the trip was an enjoyable and interesting experience, I remain skeptical about having merely had an experience that exaggerated preexisting beliefs and ideas: For example, I was already thinking of the importance of the "body load" when I encountered a discussion online from a psychonaut wishing to remove this aspect of the DMT experience, and Guanyin had been mentioned in a YouTube video that I'd watched just a day earlier. While the trip had some immediate impacts on me, in terms of having sustained positive mood and the feeling of importance and profundity around some of the ideas I gleaned from it that warrant sharing, I feel the need to both continue to process what was encountered in this trip, while simultaneously having certainty that this isn't the end of the path for me; that I must make another attempt at N,N DMT, and "go deeper" still.